Evan Flynn Macias O'Connor

My Dearest Evan,

I miss you. Its two years now…two years longer than I ever thought I would live without you. I think your sister, angels, blessings and an incredible group of people have kept me alive and breathing. Okay so maybe I'm just a little bit stubborn too and while I admit that may be a small part of the reason why I continue to push forward I can tell you this, getting up every day and functioning has been the very best way that I can honor your memory and your life!

I remember being in the car with Ozge, 2 weeks and a day or two after losing you, she asked what I was thinking about.  I responded "today is officially more time than I have even been away from Evan, the longest was his two weeks away at sleep away camp and now it's more than two weeks" Time passes my dear boy, time passes no matter what, no matter who you have lost, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you think you can't possibly go on another day, time passes, sometimes that is a curse and other times a blessing. I don't ever want to forget your voice, the sound of your giggle, that soft cool spot on your cheek, your favorite things and foods and people or anything about you for that matter! As time passes I find myself further away from feeling as if I had gone insane, I know some may argue that I have always been and still am crazy! That feeling of suffocating and as if someone had dropped a boulder on my chest with the intention of leaving it there is I am happy to report gone most days now. That backpack I carry around with weights in it has indeed gotten easier to carry…not sure yet if that is because it's actually lighter or if I've just become used to it? That is food for thought for another time.

I want to tell you all about everything that is new and wonderful…but you already know; in fact I'm sure you had a hand in all of it! Thank you! I see and feel you all about my sweet boy, Kyra's hands are like yours, I catch you in Jackson's profile, Deej and you are very similar in personality…no wonder the two of you connected the way you did! I've had countless signs of your presence and I'm sure hundreds more that I may have missed but I just wanted you to know I feel you. I love you. I miss you.

I want to call out to you still…not sure that will ever change. I tell Kyra the days we miss you the most are the days you are right here with us reminding us to breathe and exhale and that it really will be okay. In the words of Sara Bareilles "Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone."

Your sister misses you, your friends miss you, your family misses you. You touched the hearts of anyone who ever came in contact with you, we are all forever changed for the better just to have known the beauty of your smile and the splendor of your gentle heart. I hope that people will remember your life more than the way you died.  Your magnificent 12 years made more of a difference than most people do in their whole lives.  Thank you for setting such a great example of love, acceptance and kindness.

Your following has been calling, emailing and sending messages. They want to know we are okay. Deej and your crazy but lovable Aunties have been asking what we wanted to do this weekend, nothing big really, I want to pay the day the respect it deserves, we will tie some ribbons on your tree, colors of the rainbow this year.  I prefer to celebrate your life. We had a good run you and me kid, just wish it had been longer! I miss you. I love you always,

Mom

oxox

So far away from where you are
The miles have torn us way apart
And I miss you
Yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
And standing underneath the stars
And I wish you
Were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss
And I wish you
Were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the ways the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah I miss you
And I wish you
Were here

So far from where you are
These miles have torn us way apart
And I miss you
Yeah I miss you
Yeah I wish you
Were here